"The wound is the place where light enters you." ~Rumi
Each year before the Overnight walk through all the excitement of travel and getting out in whatever city it takes place to see the sights and have some fun, there comes a time of pure reflection. The reason behind the trip settles into my bones once again. On March 30, 1997, our family's youngest brother and son took his own life at the young age of 22, ending his battle with depression and burying the demons with him. He was on the brink of graduating from the University of Florida with a desire to follow in our father's footsteps and become a doctor to help others, I feel we were cheated from ever knowing how great his life would have become.
The strength I have now to participate in these walks year after year since 2002 comes from a 17-year journey of finding forgiveness with him for leaving us with questions unanswered and with myself, for feeling as if I looked away that day. I know that I did everything humanly possible to try to keep him here. For whatever reason, God chose me to be the rock of our family, sending me to drive to UF and bring our brother and son home during his hardest time, only to have to bury him five months later.
For his friends who had not seen him since high school, who never understood how the most loved and happy-go-lucky student and friend, all around athlete and musician, never seen without a smile that could light up the room, it was depression that took over his life during his 3rd year of college. Depression that runs on our mother's side of the family, which we had witnessed our mother experience since I was in the 7th grade. Her bi-polar or anxiety disorder was never really explained to us - all we knew was our mother was "sick" and that it could happen to us as well. All I knew was that I had to become mom and take care of my 4 brothers and dad the times she was away. Depression runs in our family and knowing your history is part of the awareness. Still, never in a million years did we think it would lead to my brother taking his own life.
I'm grateful 17 years later for the resources that are available though there is still the stigma surrounding mental health and the ability to talk openly about depression and suicide. But how can we prevent it from taking more lives and affecting more families when we don't talk about it? This is something I will never be quiet about, I will share my brother's story til the day I die if only to help others who are struggling, help others who have lost someone find the support they need to go on living their lives, because that's what our loved ones would want.
I chose to become an open advocate for raising awareness in the hopes of helping others, I just couldn't let him die that way without others knowing what a wonderful and loving person he was. The undulation of my own depression has taken years to try to control. In the midst of trying to help others, I wasn't allowing myself to fully grieve and heal first, affecting all of my relationships. I ended up in the hospital 7 years after his death and was able to deal with the anger I wouldn't allow myself to feel. I found myself able to finally forgive him for leaving us too soon.
Then just three years later on the 10 year anniversary, I experienced a fall in New Orleans that I barely bounced back from. It wasn't until the past 6 months that I've been able to finally bury the demons that resurfaced, they no longer exist and I feel I have fully redeemed myself from that fall and learned more about handling my own battles with depression.
The most important thing I've learned as a survivor is that everyone grieves in their own time, you may or may not ever reach a point of forgiveness or acceptance. For me, finding forgiveness in myself on the 15 year anniversary and for what had happened in NOLA was the pinnacle of finally putting it all to rest, so I can move forward with my path of helping others heal.
My journey of healing began with the Dream - my brother came to me in a dream the week after he died, the only way he could say good-bye. I expressed that experience in a poem which became a song in 2009, was recorded in 2011 and The DREAM Project compilation CD was produced as an awareness tool to help others. Music is universal, healing, and a way to spread a message of hope. My brother even contributed to the project - I found a painting of a sunset from 1989 the week we produced the cd (my second poem turned song on the cd is titled "Sunset"). Coincidence? I think not. His way of encouraging me to keep moving with it.
Now 3 years after the cd was produced, more great things will be coming through the DREAM Project with a follow up cd. I've met more people in the last year alone who have lost someone and the numbers keep rising, from youth being bullied to military dealing with PTSD. I had someone message me, "What are we doing wrong?" It kinda hit me in my gut, like saying "what more can I possibly do?"
Well there is something more, keep sharing my brother's story and my own personal story of dealing with depression, continuing to do these walks, and moving forward with re-recording the Dream, singing all the vocals myself, something I said I wouldn't do after the first time I sang it. I've learned to overcome fear in many ways and after letting go of past relationships last year and learning to fully love myself again, moving forward with no expectations is the flow of my life. I fully accept that The DREAM Project is part of my path and I honor it for my brother and for myself.
When I walked the Overnight in Seattle in 2008, I was still coming out of my last bout with depression. Though I was able to visit with an old friend, I felt very alone, kept to myself, didn't really go out and experience much of the city. This time I have experienced the city and then some, with all it's beauty and charm, and with my dear friend Linda Price. Linda walks for the second time, sharing her story and walking for others who have lost someone. Her courage has inspired me and given me strength to keep doing what I do.
I feel so much gratitude for the people I've met along the way, who have shown so much support and love, who have walked with me. Mostly I feel gratitude for the 22 years I did get to spend with my sweet brother. These walks have allowed me to travel to places I'd never been to, meet others who share the same experience, and have a little break from the FL heat during summer. Our shared love of music has allowed me to connect with so many amazing musicians through the DREAM Project - I am excited to see the unfolding of it's path.
So I thank you brother for helping me to find my voice, to use it to sing and speak out to others for you and thousands of others who couldn't speak out because the pain was too great. Rest in peace sweet brother of mine, we will dance in the heavens together one day. Until then, I will walk on through the night for you, and I will see you in my dreams. Streets of Seattle, here we come......
The Dream
I had a dream of you the other night
And in that dream everything was alright
I dreamt that you were alive and well
Was this dream real? I just couldn't tell
We hugged and laughed and talked for awhile
I saw your face and your beautiful smile
We were together just like before
If it's a dream and it's real I want to dream more
Please don't go yet I have so much to say
I want you to know before you go on your way
Even though 's a dream it's so real to me
Your beauty is all that I can see
Your energy feels so pure and strong
I feel as if I just don't belong
You radiate your light so true
As the dream ends I grab onto you
I don't want to wake for the end is near
Your voice is all that I can hear
I wake from my slumber the dream is gone
I rise to meet the early dawn.
www.cdbaby.com/cd/dreamproject
www.theovernight.org
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