Where is Your Mind?

(original blog post on 2/9/16)

"Mind, body and soul are like a musical ensemble. Each must be finely tuned, well-nourished, diligently practiced and lovingly maintained in order to reach full potential." ~Facebook.com/walkingcircle 

My name is Raela Marie Villanueva, and this is my story; It's no longer my brother's story, or even my mother's story, but my story - I'm finally fully owning it! I will of course write about my brother's story as he no longer has the voice to tell it, my mother's story as she's never really shared it, and even some others' stories along the way (with permission of course) as I get private messages frequently from people who want to share. And in the end it could even be YOUR story. That's why I'm sharing. And what it all boils down to is best practices for self-care, which is essentially what this recovery blog is all about, and that's where the awareness lies.

I was diagnosed with Bipolar II Disorder sometime between my younger brother's suicide March 30, 1997 (wow, it's been almost 19 years) and my last "meltdown" as I like to refer to it this past October, merely 3 months ago. I don't believe in labels, as I'm certainly not the extreme case (like my mother with her intense bouts with mania in the 80's and 90's) and sometimes it seems like everyone has just a little bit of chemical imbalance within themselves, right? Or as it is commonly referred to as having a lil' "crazy" in him or mostly her. So ok, if you're going to label me Doctor, given my mother's history and my brother's same diagnosis, then that's the one that seems most convenient to keep on file.

I'm not sure how but I captured two photos layered 

while taking screenshots from Noel's website from my iPhone. 

It looks as if the feathers from my wings are growing out of my weary soul.

And what seemed to be the iconic moment, the realization that I was actually adding to the stigma was just a few weeks ago when I was advocating with my fellow stigma fighters at the annual Florida Suicide Prevention Day at the Capitol. My new attempt survivor friend Doug and I were in a meeting with Representative Barbara Watson (Miami-Dade), vying for her support of a bill that would require all school personnel grades K-12 to take 2 hours of youth suicide awareness and prevention training annually, which would essentially help save young lives.

I made a comment to her when I handed her a DREAM Project CD, an awareness tool in memory of my brother, about how I was a survivor of suicide loss and that I dealt with my own bouts of depression. I told her that Bipolar Disorder ran in the family on my mother's side. She looked me straight in the eyes and said, "but it can stop there, this is YOUR story, you can write it." And I got it right then and there in that moment of clarity - yes, the chemical imbalance is genetic but I can control my own mental wellness through consistent self-care! I no longer have to use genetics as a crutch for the occasional build up of the lack of self-care. And really, how can I attempt to be of service to anyone else if I can't take care of myself?

I also realized after this last meltdown that the more I tried to hide it or deny it even though it was such a quick recovery thanks to the support of family, friends, and my therapist, I was adding to the stigma by hiding behind the truth. This time there were no drugs involved to escape the pain. This time no one was unintentionally harmed. This time there were no close friends who scattered afterwards. This time I had a safety net within different circles that caught me before it got worse and supported me throughout. This time there was no major depression immediately following. This time I didn't have to crawl in a hole and hide from shame, wishing I could just die. This time was proof that an episode can reoccur but doesn't have to be life-threatening.

Hiding "Behind the Mask" as most people with depression 

do. This is my favorite mask gifted from a friend during 

a very free-ing time in my life 3 years ago.

This time I had nothing to hide, just a minor setback in which my mind, body and soul needed a little TLC. And it was partly a result of moving away with no support systems, slowly isolating myself with no one to catch the spiral. My boyfriend at the time didn't see it coming even though I tried to let him know I wasn't sleeping, I was stressed at a job I did not enjoy, and that I wasn't eating enough. It's all about the awareness and having a support system in place, no matter how far away they may be. And when I reached out in the aftermath, trying to make some sense of it all, people I least expected reached back, even from the other side of the world.

What has happened to me can happen to anyone given the right circumstances - 5 meltdowns in 19 years, 4 of which were hospitalizations spanning from a few days to two full weeks. Prevention, intervention and post-vention - these are the topics to be discussed. Everyday practices, routines, resources, and ideas - things that work for me and things that work for others. When we share, we help each other to live mentally well.

What I've learned in the last year is that it's really just mind over matter - our mind is made up completely of thoughts, and we are fully in control of those thoughts. Your mind can be all over the place, it can be stagnate, it can be focused - it can be whatever you work towards and allow it to be. Just as we are in control of our thoughts, we are in control of our actions which can sometimes affect how our brain functions. Lack of sleep, use/abuse of drugs and alcohol and other factors can lead to our demise. Having that daily checklist (which I pin to my mirror) can be helpful and sometimes mandatory in order to maintain a healthy mind.

Practices that have helped me get my mind more centered are yoga, Transcendental Meditation, any type of exercise, cleaning, practicing positive affirmations, and applying the Law of Attraction and daily gratitude. I love listening to meditations on YouTube as I fall asleep at night. And one of the best releases for me is writing it out, where I can go back and read later to see where my mind is today. Writing is a major blessing that stemmed from the tragedy of losing my brother to suicide.

I'm excited to share this journey of recovery with you through writing, to help stamp out the stigma from within and from all around. There's no sugar coating - what you see is what you and I get. And I promise it won't all be dismal! I'll be throwing in some wit and charm wherever possible.

And I also chose after the Chinese New Year of the Fire Monkey as the start of this migration, as for me it signifies the real beginning of a New Year. So let's find out on this stigma fighting campaign disguised as best practices together, just where is YOUR mind today?

Representing the high side of Bipolar Disorder.

Handmade feather wings made by me with special 

feathers given by the grandmother of 

Lydia Jade Mahone, a 19-year-old who died by suicide

October 2014. "Lydia's Song" is the final song that

completed the DREAM Project CD Volume 2

released one month later. This is the first time wearing 

these finished wings.

Read about Noel's 52-week Creative Portraiture Challenge here  - Noel Nichols Photography Blog

*Mental note: I am a mental health advocate - Founder of the DREAM Project Compilation CD, volunteer for UWF Active Minds, member of the Florida Suicide Prevention Coalition, volunteer for the AHERO Foundation, and advocate for the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. I am also a survivor of suicide loss.

I am NOT a trained mental health counselor. The advice and information in my blog are shared from personal experiences, are expressions of my own opinions, or may be sited from other sources. 

Questions, comments and concerns are welcome, however if you or someone you know is at risk of harming themselves or others, call your local law enforcement if it's an emergency (911) or go to the emergency room, contact a mental health professional in your area, or call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (800) 273-TALK (8235) or contact the Crisis Text Line by texting "HOME" to 741741. 

Photo Shoot representing the highs and lows of Bipolar Disorder through lighting, color, and styling.

Photo shoot styled by Emerald Coast Pixies, Noel Nichols Photography,  and Angelynn Krys Hair & MakeUp/ Arrow Salon & Spa