Love After Love
by Derek Walcott
The time will come
when, with elation
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror
and each will smile at the other's welcome,
and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you
all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,
the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.
--
On the Wings of Love!
Written Thursday, January 23, 2014 on flight to the Philippines
On the quest for finding love on a spiritual path, that quest begins with the self - falling completely in love with every aspect of your true being. To me, that means embracing all the positive and not-so positive things about yourself, as well as all the positive and not-so positive experiences you've endured thus far in your lifetime. This is the year that I share my story and my truth in the hopes of helping others. This is the year I master my relationship with myself, feeling and expressing unconditional love for myself before I can share fully with others.
Since high school, I had the pattern of staying in long-term relationships, one after the other, without taking time to find myself in between. Each relationship had it's purpose - to help me grow and get to the next place on my journey of self-discovery and finding love. And though they didn't work out, I will always keep the positive and let go of the rest.
Then at the age of 24, my younger brother Jr. took his life at the young age of 22. My whole life's journey or at least what I thought was my path changed forever. To try to find comfort, I relied solely on my boyfriend of 4 years at the time to provide me solace inadvertently pushing him away. That relationship dissolved and I found myself dealing with deep depression for the first time in my life. I finally found forgiveness in that relationship and know now that was the best he could do at the time.
I will always feel love and gratitude towards him for being there and holding my hand the night my brother was swept away from this earth, and have accepted that was his role in my life, to get me through that night and the months to follow. I'm glad to say the few times I do run into him I can still feel grateful for the good times we shared, for opening my eyes to see our country on a three week road trip to Colorado and back. To see the Grand Canyon with my very eyes made me truly believe that God (insert your own version of what that means to you here) exists.
In less than a year, I was dating again. The next long term relationship of 5 years was clouded and toxic. It took a long time to find forgiveness and I've let it go. That's all I'm gonna say about that. A year later I find myself dating a younger musician on and off for about a year. I found myself denying the chance to open up completely to him as I felt deep down it wasn't the lifestyle I wanted to be immersed in forever, but it was a damn good time while it lasted. I felt love for him, but not the love that he deserved and desired from me. So for the first time I did what had been done to me in the past - I broke his heart.
I knew he would not stay in the area as his talent was too big for our small town. It took him moving to New Orleans for us to finally be free of the back and forth of it all. We didn't speak for the next 6 years until he finally reached out to me and shared a song he had written for me based on our relationship. He was always pretty serious about playing, never succumbing to the typical rock n roll lifestyle. He finally found his voice, and as expected has played with all his favorite well-known musicians in the NOLA scene. After reconnecting, I was reminded that the gift of music he shared helped open my heart to the voice within me. I'm thankful that we can still be friends and be supportive in each other's lives.
Around the time that he moved, I started writing a single's column for Bella Magazine, a local women's magazine. But it wasn't about dating - it was about finding myself and opening up to my passions at the ripe age of 32. I spent the next three years finding ways to meet new people, taking up surfing again, learning to play the guitar, promoting bands, shows, and festivals, traveling, and more. Apparently by sharing my experiences I've received feedback that I was inspiring others.
In April of 2007, I took a hard fall while at a wedding weekend for a dear friend in New Orleans, on the 10-year anniversary of my brother's death to the day on Easter Sunday. Without any intention but to escape the pain that resurfaced, I used drugs to get lost in the haze. The result was a break-down that disconnected my mind from my body causing me to not remember what happened. My best friend and roommate at the time was unfortunately the target of my aggressions and anger, and not really knowing what happened, all I knew was that in that moment I had died inside. I still express my gratitude that things were not worse than it already was, that I was not locked up in a mental institution forever.
The years of living down the humility was almost unbearable at times. What was my support network diffused and a small network was there to try to console me. What I had to learn was to search from within to find forgiveness and my own strength. I hid in my cocoon at Et Cafe, a coffee shop in an old hospital building almost daily. With my laptop I would write but my writing now felt meaningless, so much so that I almost gave up my column. I was also studying online for a masters degree for a holistic school that eventually folded, just escaping all reality for as long as I could muster. I wore a mask that hid the fact that I was dying inside. And what was explained to me recently after having to rehash things lately after a recent trip to NOLA for New Year's is that they did the best that they could at the time.
What I learned is that not everyone is equipped to deal with depression and mental illness, that some may find it easier to turn the other way, and that I and others who remained close to me can really relate to the fact that there is still a stigma surrounding a very prominent social issue. I felt just an inkling of what my brother went through and can honestly say that I was ready to disappear from this life altogether. No I didn't have a plan - I may have had the means to end my life but would never intentionally do that to my family after what they'd been through. But if I was taken from the earth, I felt I would have been better off than the emptiness I was feeling.
In the throws of feeling sorry for myself, feeling alone, and keeping mostly to myself, the young baristas working the coffee shop reached out to me. I watched them from afar - their confidence, the way they dressed, the friendships they shared with each other, the support they gave each other - I asked myself why I wasn't like that when I was their age?
Besides a few close friends who never left my side, these young beautiful women helped lift me back up, when I needed it the most. They were the sparkle of light in the darkness of my cocoon, enticing me to emerge and be reborn, shedding past mistakes and heartache and friendships that ultimately were not what I now know to be unconditional and real. I was hesitant at first, but that light was inviting and comforting.
I shared with the baristas the concept of my dream to run a company along with other strong women with the one mission - to empower women and girls of all ages to empower themselves. That dream is coming to fruition now the more I let go of the past and past relationships. We all brought creativity and strength and beauty to the table and they helped me produce a music show fundraiser at a skate park for kids with autism a year after my incident in NOLA. I never thought I'd stand again in the public eye but I guess it was just the beginning of my true calling in life.
The concept of Pixie Productions was brought into the light. Our symbol, handmade wings that represent freedom, soaring to your dreams, uplifting each other instead of tearing each other down. Each of those beautiful baristas moved away to bigger and better cities one by one, with so much to offer the world. I am so grateful to each one of them as they will never know that they literally saved my life.
After my baristas moved away one by one, the next year and a half was spent still searching for something, feeling incomplete, lacking true love in my life. In January of 2009, some college students came to me wanting to host a music show to raise awareness about suicide and depression. Something I had longed to get involved with was raising awareness on the college campuses as my brother should have graduated from the University of Florida and gone on to live out his dream to become a pediatrician. His dream was cut when he lost his battle with depression. And unfortunately the suicide rate on college campuses is still extremely high.
We planted a Seed of Hope at the University of West Florida and since then more awareness has been raised than I ever thought possible. These students became another integral force in continuing to lift me up out of my own darkness. But even after we had established our first music and art show on campus and became an official student org, I was still in search of something missing.
An opportunity arose for me to journey to the Philippines later that same year to embark on a mission trip and stay an extra five weeks to visit with family and really get down to my roots. I felt incomplete and when I left, I was in search of a job or meeting someone and if an opportunity presented itself for me to stay, I had no intention of coming back to the States anytime soon.
I took my laptop and my mostly empty heart and embarked on a six week retreat to my parents' homeland. While over there, I had my own letting go ceremony of what had happened in NOLA, by inviting all involved through my intentions to forgive me as well as be forgiven. I stood on the balcony of my Lola's house in Manila, stated my intention to the universe, blew a feather and watched it dance in the wind until it disappeared, leaving me feeling lighter. I knew I had to return as there was no opportunity that presented itself for me to stay - there was yet more work for me to do.
I returned and immediately dove into yet another long-term relationship, one that's purpose was to keep me grounded through the next 3.5 years while I accomplished more great endeavors I didn't know I could achieve. I stayed in a co-dependent relationship for all the wrong reasons and had become close to two children, making it harder to leave the several times I tried. The long drawn out ending finally freed me the end of last summer and I have not looked back since.
And yet again I was reminded of what I don't desire in a relationship and knew that I deserved to be treated with respect in every aspect of my life. Relationships are a two-way street and I know my heart was eventually not fully with it after trying so many times to receive the respect I longed for. There were good memories and the love I felt for the children was eventually the only thing keeping me there.
The last straw was beyond what I could imagine, feeling more hurt than I'd ever experienced before. I feel grateful now in looking back that it was my way out. The aftermath of the break-up was filled with the back and forth emotions but I knew the night I decided to end it after seeing an undeniable sign from the universe (I had ignored several signs before when I was unsure and felt I just couldn't let go) that solidified it was time to end it for good.
As with the rest of the relationships, once the anger, heartache, and hurt subsided, I have recently been able to accept it for what it was, forgive and let it go completely. Since before then, I've been so blessed to acquire such a grand network of loving friends (and have always had the support of my family) to keep me moving forward and make me realize that I deserve the best life has to offer.
Though I've fallen in love with all of my friends, especially the beautiful women in my life who have helped and are helping me to bring Emerald Coast Pixie Productions LLC to full fruition, it's time to fall back in love with me. This time it's with a greater awareness and appreciation for all the blessings in my life. I express gratitude every day first thing in the morning as I rise and dreamily when I lay my head down to rest.
Since letting go, I've been opening up my heart to the universe without fear and expectations, something that's not been easy to do in the past because of the consistent disappointments in my relationships and the complete loss of my brother. This year I feel as if I have nothing to hide, I am more honest with myself and others, and by sharing my truths I know it can and has helped others. This is me getting down to to the bare bones, naked if you will, and loving everything about myself - all the flaws, mistakes, fears and more - so that I can share that love with others.
It's then when you least expect it that true unabashed love will greet your heart and soul. Excitement and intrigue will pulse through your veins, fear and expectations thrown out the window, impossibilities become possibilities, all with time and patience. This time is about taking time for me. I've been the rock of my family since the 7th grade and especially after losing our dear brother and son. I've been told I'm the nucleus of all our friendships, connecting those I love with others - the greatest compliment I've ever received.
But sometimes the strongest need to step back and get back to the core of their true being. I never thought I'd be able to pick myself off the basement floor, but with the help of some angels I'm still standing and excited to see what this New Year of the wooden horse will bring. I feel fortunate to know that my family and friends will never let me fall. Finding and feeling love for myself again after feeling inadequate in relationships for so many years has really helped me to live more in the moment and look forward to things that may come my way. Finding forgiveness in myself and in others has been the key to making room for more love.
Fate offered me an opportunity to ring in the New Year with a bang in New Orleans, soaking up the familiar sights, sounds, and smells, the melting pot of music everywhere you turn, delectable food, dancing all night long, and sharing good times with new and old friends. The visit also stirred back up the incident from 2007 which I thought had been laid to rest. Last week after talking to a good friend, I was able to release what was unknowingly left inside of me, the last of the emotions of shame, guilt, anger, feelings of betrayal - and making things right with him, myself and others without them actually being present. So I am grateful for the invite that inevitably helped to bring complete healing so that I can move forward with my dreams and let love reveal itself through those I spend time with. I felt revived after leaving NOLA four days later on a high beyond the euphoria of ecstasy. What I felt was the highest frequency of energy - the feeling of love.
And another opportunity arose for me to take another journey back "home" to my roots in the Philippine Islands for a week of mission work after the devastating earthquake and typhoon hit a few months back. My reward is another week that will be spent visiting with my family on the other side of this planet. How blessed I feel in this very moment, sitting on this 15 hour flight to one of the most beautiful third world countries with the most loving culture of people.
It's all about family - putting God first and then family. Being in the moment together, being happy in poverty with the richness of love and togetherness. My hope is to plant a seed along with my dreams so that I may continue to revisit the islands on a more regular basis and stay connected to my roots. I plan to reconnect with all my relatives four years later and discover as much as I can about my family tree.
When you go back to your roots, you can fully develop and instill those wonderful traits in everything you do. I feel blessed to be immersed in the language, food, island life, and all it's majesty. And I'm in search of our family's coconut mangrove as well as an overdue visit with my mom's aunt, the last of the three sisters named after Middle Eastern Princesses, my Lola Zorahyda.
I've never fully rooted where I'm at today, now open to the possibilities life has to offer and excited to see where it takes me. Join me on this journey of self-discovery as I soar with the help of family and friends on the wings of love - let's just see where I land!
